Mixed Signals
by miairii
Summary: As hard as it might get while looking for a woman, it's even harder once you've found one. Entry for the Make Me Laugh Contest.


This was my entry for the Make Me Laugh Contest. I had quite a lot of fun writing it! Enjoy!

**Picture Prompt chosen:** #3 (makemelaughcontest . blogspot . com)

**Rating:** M for language and a decent amount of pervyness. This particular prompt just seemed to reach out to me, and how could I not milk it for all it's worth? (Aaaand, we're already getting started with the innuendo … ) Unfortunately for Edward, "milking it" is the only action he'll be getting within the confines of this OS. You've been warned.

**Disclaimer:** All recognizable content is not mine. Anything weird and crazy and totally unrecognizable … yeah, you can blame me.

* * *

**Mixed Signals**

**EPOV**

"Fuck … _ungh_ … oh god, baby, that's so good … right there … oh! I'm cumming! Ughhh!"

_Shiiiiit._ That was good.

I lean over to grab the Kleenex box from my bedside table. I quickly wipe myself off and tuck my dick back in my boxers, making a half-hearted attempt at chucking the balled-up tissues in the general direction of the trash can before flopping back onto the bed. I heave a satisfied sigh before a rustling sound at my side draws my attention.

I look over to watch the blonde chick pull her clothes back on before slipping out the door, the man now asleep with a satiated grin on his face.

The credits start rolling, so I push pause and turn the volume on my laptop back down.

Damn – that was one of the best I've ever seen.

And I've seen, well, quite a lot.

Now don't get me wrong, it's not like I'm obsessed or anything. I've been told that it's quite a healthy habit for a young twenty-something male like myself. Although I'm not exactly sure when I started trusting the advice of my younger, perpetually single, frat boy brother. Maybe after I found that very first magazine hidden under his mattress?

Ah, well. I've got nothing bad to say about it. I just wish I could see a little more real-life action.

Ok, _any_ real-life action.

No, no, not on a movie set! Jeez. I'm not _that_ horny.

Well, actually, I wouldn't mind …

Ok. Moving on now.

Having completed my early evening "personal time" and feeling in the mood for a little relaxation before the next round (no, I'm not kidding), I pull the computer over and bring up the web browser. I briefly consider doing a little research for work tomorrow – not that I think we need any improvement in our products, but it's always nice to try something new, different flavors or textures, you know – then decide, fuck it, I'm just going to browse the net and see where it takes me.

First opening up my email, I find a new message from said brother with a hyperlink. No text in the subject or body, just the link.

It has "horny" in the name. Obviously, I have to click on it.

Holy pop-ups, Batman!

Oh, wow, you can really do that? … Oh. My. Fuck.

I finally get them all closed. Shit. That was a bit much, even for me. Silently cursing him under my breath, I reply to Emmett with a fairly crude picture that will hopefully get the point across rather quickly.

Not a minute later, I get a reply.

_**Just looking out for you, bro. Didn't want to leave you hanging like that last chick. Ouch!**_

I resist the urge to bang my head against the wall. Or to use Emmett's head instead. Why did I ever think it would be a good idea to tell him about Irina?

Sure, I may have been having a little trouble with relationships lately. But I really thought for a moment that she could be the one. The one that was made for me, who could help bring all my fantasies to life.

Apparently I was very much mistaken.

Irina was very … alluring, I think that's an appropriate term. She came into the shop one day and we seemed to hit it off. She had an innocent vibe about her, but also this little glint in her eyes that just screamed, "Take me, make me yours!" At least, that's what I thought it was.

Turns out, what it really meant was, "You'll do nicely for a rebound fuck to make my ex jealous."

Okay, so I'm kinda glad that one didn't work out. But still. The sex. Could it have been any more awful? I guess it would have been worse if we didn't have sex at all; I am a red-blooded male, after all.

It seems like it worked out for her, though, since I saw her on the arm of some punk kid a couple of days later. Of course, he was fawning all over her and spewing out compliments left and right, in that classic I-fucked-up-and-need-to-fix-it-before-she-cheats- on-me-again kind of way.

Is that even a thing? It should be.

Anyway, even before the fiasco that was Irina, there was the complete absurdity that was Tanya. We met at one of the trendier clubs in town, and she immediately caught my attention. She was stunningly perfect.

That is, if your definition of perfect is the same as mine: a woman who walks, talks, and dresses like sex.

She was the most beautiful person in the room, and she knew it. I felt honored that she chose me to lavish her attention on that night. I was absolutely certain that by the end of the night, I'd be pounding into her. Hopefully multiple times.

It didn't faze me too much when she begged out of continuing our evening. Especially since she asked for a date the following night. I figured that would give me a little extra time to prepare; step up my game, if you will. And it turned out to be a pretty good date, too, although the restaurant was a little pricey and she didn't even offer to chip in. But I just figured it'd be worth it in the end.

I mean, back me up here. I've seen this a million times, I know how it's supposed to go:

1. Find a hot chick.

2. Woo the girl. Buy some flowers, maybe a little chocolate, take her to dinner. Compliment her hair or eyes or outfit or something else superficial that girls always seem to care a little too much about. Nod along during the mindless conversation.

3. Drinks. A very important – and tasty – part of the process.

4. Get her to a bed. Sometimes the closest flat surface will do. A door or a wall may be substituted if necessary. (I will openly admit that this is the only reason I still have a gym membership.)

5. BAM! Get it on.

6. Depending on how good it is, go for a second round. Or more. Wouldn't want to set a limit or anything.

And for the bonus round: 7. See if you can skip step 2 the next time around.

Am I right or am I right?

(Wait, don't answer that ...)

Now see, the problem with Tanya is that she seemed to be stuck on #2. And any time we made it to #3, if I ever tried to push just a little towards #4, I'd find myself right back at the beginning. Honestly, it was extremely frustrating, and not just in the blue-balls kind of way. I found it hard to believe that as much as she just oozed sex, she never seemed to want to have any.

The two times we were intimate – count 'em, _two_ – in our six month relationship, she literally climbed up on the bed, lay down, closed her eyes, and spread her legs. She didn't move, she didn't moan, she didn't do _anything_. I know I got her to orgasm because (1) I'm that good, and (2) I could feel it, but she never even reacted. It's like sex was the absolute most boring thing she could be doing at the moment. Not that she showed any interest in spicing up the action, either, something I would have been all for, considering my favorite pastime.

It took a while, because I stupidly kept my hopes up, but eventually I realized that I had the financial burden of a girlfriend without the emotional or, more importantly, physical reward. As much fun as it was to go out and show Tanya off, I'm not really into that kind of stuff. I mean, what's the use of other people thinking I was getting lucky that night, when I already knew I wasn't?

Right after that, there was Irina, which wasn't much of an improvement. So, I decided it'd be back to "personal time" for now, until I could find someone actually interested in participating.

Someone of the female variety, of course.

Again, I'm not _that_ horny.

But I have been pretty cautious lately, what with those recent experiences still weighing on me. I really don't want to have to go through all that shit again. I mean, how hard can it be to find a girl who actually wants to have sex?

I giggle-snort a little to myself – in a manly way, of course – when I get the passing thought that as hard as it might get while looking for a woman, it's even _harder_ once you've found one.

Hehehe.

And then it hits me: There must be a website for that!

Yes, in fact, my coworker Jasper recently found himself a partner online. He's into that D/S stuff, a little too kinky for my taste, but he kept striking out at the theme parties he went to. So, he just went online, posted what he was looking for, and waited for someone to respond. Not too much later, this little sprite named Alice came along, and she had him whipped into shape in no time.

No pun intended. Seriously, I've seen the marks. Not pretty. But hey, whatever turns him on … is not something I want to think about any more, thank you very much.

Anyway, this just might be the answer I've been looking for. Although, I'm feeling too lazy to create a profile, wait for it to match me up using some mystery compatibility formula, then browse through hundreds of possibles hoping to reduce them to tens of hopefuls, then to a handful of blind first dates, most or all of which will end poorly, based on my experience.

No, I want to chat with a real, live, woman. Right now.

I'm pretty confident I'll be able to tell what she's really like based on how she comes across on the internet.

**~x~o~x~o~x~o~x~**

I'm all set up and ready to go. It took a little while choosing a site, setting up an account and username, and getting used to the layout and everything. But here I am!

I scroll through the listing of room names, hoping that something catches my eye. "Sweet Talk"? No thanks. "Whose Ur Daddy"? Uhm … nope, definitely not my style. Ah, here's one: "Dreams Cuming True". Could be interesting … Not sure if that "u" was a typo, but I'm secretly hoping it wasn't as I click on the link.

What can I say? At this point, I really _am_ that horny.

There's quite a few people in the room, but nobody's really saying much. I wonder what I should start off with.

_Hi ladies._

May as well get my preference out there up front. A few responses come rolling in.

_**hey there, stud**_

_**hi sugar. u new here?**_

_**mmmm, tasty :p**_

That last one must have to do with my username. Not really what I intended, but … ok, just kidding, that was totally what I intended. They're way more forward than I thought they'd be, though.

Now, to test the waters a bit …

_Yep, it's my first time. *Grins*_

_**oooh**_

_**count me in!**_

_**i kno just how to break you in… ;)**_

_**hold on, i get him first!**_

_**No way bitch, u got the last one**_

_**fuck you!**_

All of a sudden, a verbal battle-slash-swear fest suddenly breaks out for the rights to my so-called "initiation". After ten continuous minutes of this, I'm honestly getting a little frightened. I wonder if I should try to calm them down, but I don't want to get caught up in the middle of it, so I stay silent.

A private message request pops up in the corner of my screen. It's from _**SavedByTheBells**_, a name I don't recall seeing involved in the fracas. I debate a few seconds before just going with my gut and accepting. Why the hell not? I came here to find somebody to talk to, after all. If it's one of the crazies I can always just close the window and escape.

_**Hi. Want to PM privately? You seem a little overwhelmed in there.**_

_How'd you know?_

_**Just a guess. The crazies can get a little, well … crazy sometimes.**_

_That's exactly what I was calling them! So they're always that bad?_

Besides the fact that this person seems much calmer than the chat room hussies – who are still fighting over me in the background, by the way – I can't help but be pleased to see some proper grammar and punctuation.

_**Mostly just when there's new man-meat. Not really sure why I'm still coming to this chat room, but I just keep hoping, you know?**_

_**I was actually on my way out but thought I'd rescue you first. :)**_

For some reason, I'm hesitant to let them go, plus I don't really want to be left alone in there.

_Your kindness is greatly appreciated. Do you have to go? Want to talk a little more?_

_**Sure, I can stay for a bit.**_

Now I just need something to talk about. How to learn more about this person? Of course I'm dying to know if it's a woman.

_So … your username? Is that just an old-school TV reference or is there more? It's definitely applicable since you've just saved me. :)_

_**Haha. There's quite a bit more, actually.**_

_No hints?_

_**Why don't you guess?**_

_Please? *puppy dog pout*_

_**You don't play fair. I can never resist a pout ... even one I haven't seen. I'll tell you there's something to do with my name.**_

_Hmmm … maybe the "Bells" part? Isabel?_

_**Close. Isabella, but I go by Bella.**_

I'm grinning now. That's a beautiful name, and I really hope it matches a beautiful woman on the other end of this chat.

_Well, Bella. It's very nice to meet you. Since I don't think you'll get the same info from my username, I'll go ahead and tell you my name is Edward._

_**Thanks for that, Edward. I was afraid I'd have to guess, and let me tell you, I've tried with a few of the others in the chat room with very poor results.**_

I look at a few of the other screen names out there. Ick. I would hope none of those are based on real names.

_Glad I could save you some trauma._

_And the other part of your username … perhaps your job? I'd have to guess a teacher, or maybe a bad script writer or producer? :)_

Please be a teacher, please be a teacher, please be a teacher … My mind is currently working in overdrive with all the sexy schoolteacher fantasies running through it.

_**Bingo!**_

_Wait … which one?_

_**Teacher**_

_Oh thank god. I was worried we'd have to discontinue this conversation._

_**lol**_

_**So what was the inspiration for your screen name? Besides riling up the crazies, of course ... More than just the classic movie reference?**_

_Actually, yes, it's a reference to my job._

I tell her what I do, and she seems contemplative. I guess that's a good reaction. I know it's not all that typical, so I'm interested in what she thinks.

_**Huh. I guess it's not what I'd expect, but that does sound like fun.**_

_It really is. And working in the back, I don't have to worry about what the customers are doing all the time, and can get up to a little more experimentation._

_**So you don't just do the same thing every day?**_

_Nope. Everyone has different tastes, you know. So we try to cater to a little bit of everything._

_**I guess that's true.**_

_Plus, it's always exciting when someone tries something new and likes it so much that they come back for more. Most of us have tried everything in the shop at some point, so we're pretty good at giving recommendations. Also, we can do custom orders if you have special needs. Occasionally we put on some live demonstrations, so you can really see what goes into it and get some ideas to use at home._

_Sorry for rambling. I do get a little passionate about it._

_**No, I think it's great that you really enjoy it. I guess there are probably some side benefits to working at a place like that, huh?**_

_Haha, absolutely. It's a good thing I have some self control or I'd probably be there all the time._

_**Where's your shop at?**_

Turns out Bella lives pretty close to where I work. Is there a possibility she might come visit? I broach the subject carefully, but she seems hesitant, with good reason. I mean, we did just meet over the internet.

_**I'll think about it. It might be awkward at first, you know? Plus … I really do try not to indulge too much in that stuff.**_

_I understand. But, it's not good to deny yourself! Gotta live a little. ;)_

_**Definitely. I'll admit to giving in to a little guilty pleasure every now and then.**_

_Don't we all?_

The conversation lags for a bit as we both try to think of something else to say.

_So …_

_**So … uhm. Do you have any pets?**_

_**Sorry, that's a probably a dumb question. I don't really know what else to talk about.**_

I laugh a little to myself. Nope, no pets here, but … I wonder what she'll say to this.

_The only thing that gets any petting around here is the Stallion._

Save a cowboy, ride my Stallion. That's my personal motto, anyway. I haven't heard any complaints.

_**Oh! Wow.**_

She seems speechless for a moment, and I wonder if I've pushed a little too far. Shit – I was really enjoying our banter, and I hope I haven't scared her off. I'm about to apologize when she starts typing again.

_**Tell me about it.**_

Wait … what?

_You want me to describe it to you?_

_**Sure. I'd love to hear all about it. :)**_

Are we really doing this? Fuck it, we're doing this.

_Well, he's pretty big. One of the biggest I've seen. ;)_

_**Wow. Is it, um, very hairy?**_

_No, of course not! I keep him well-groomed. Good hygiene and all that._

_**That's good. Sounds like it would be hard to take care of, though.**_

_Not really. I'm pretty used to what it likes by now._

Also, I'm always open to learning new likes. It seems to like Bella a lot, actually. Particularly as this conversation continues to move into more dangerous territory.

_**What color is he?**_

Well that's a little awkward. Let's see …

_Pretty white, just like me, haha. But it can get a little pink when it's, ah, excited or after a good workout._

_**So it's really big? Is it hard to mount?**_

Fuuuuck. I'm so glad I never bothered to put my jeans back on earlier, because they would be extremely painful right now.

_Not uncomfortably so. I guess it would depend on your size. Of course, I'd be able to help with that if you were interested …_

_**Really? I've never actually seen one up close. That sounds like it would be an amazing experience.**_

Fuck yeah it'd be amazing. Wait, hold on. She's never seen one? WTF? Are we even talking about the same thing here? She sounds so sexy and mature, I can hardly believe that. Maybe this will clear things up.

_Seriously? Well, tell me what you'd want to do if you could see him._

_**What I'd do? Uhm …**_

_**I guess I'd want to try touching it first? Stroke the head a little. Would that be ok?**_

_Of course. I would love to see you do that._

I can't help it, I slide my hand down and palm my dick through my boxers, groaning when I feel how hard it is already. I wonder how far she's willing to go?

_What else?_

_**How does it feel? Rough, or smooth?**_

_Soft and smooth, almost silky._

_**Could I kiss it? Would that be weird?**_

Oh, god. Her hot mouth near my cock? Yes, please. I rub a little harder through the fabric, desperate for more friction.

_That would be great. He would really like that._

_**No biting, right?**_

Biting? Hell no, there will be no biting.

_Promise, no biting at all, ok?_

_**Ok.**_

Whew. I was worried for a second there.

_**So would you let me go for a ride?**_

_**After you teach me what I need to know to get used to it, of course.**_

Ok, that's it, I'm going to combust. I free myself from my boxers and start up a slow rhythm of strokes. She has to know what she's doing to me.

_Don't worry, I'd make sure you were very comfortable before climbing on._

_**I bet you're an excellent teacher.**_

Fuck yeah, baby. I'll teach you anything you want to know.

_What makes you think that? Not that I'm denying it. :)_

_**Well, it's just the way you describe things, and what you mentioned about your work. I think I'd feel pretty good if I were in your hands.**_

Damn straight. You'd feel incredible in my hands.

_Absolutely._

_**So would I be able to take some pictures of it?**_

_And just what would you be doing with these pictures?_

_**Well, I wouldn't be able to see him that often, right? It would be nice to have something to look at when I'm thinking about it. Plus it would be fun to show my friends what I've learned.**_

Woah, hold up there. Pictures for Bella's eyes only, sure, but for her friends? No fucking way. Isn't there some unwritten rule about how much women are allowed to share with each other about these kinds of things?

_Hey, you can come see it whenever you want. Private pictures might be ok, but I'd rather you not share … I mean, I'm certainly proud of him, but that's not really something I want getting out there, you know?_

_**Oh, of course, I'm sorry. I wouldn't violate your privacy if that's what you wanted.**_

_Thanks._

Let's get back to the good stuff, please.

_So, I'm thinking we could we start off nice and slow._

_**Then maybe pick up some speed once it's more comfortable?**_

That's it, baby.

_If that's what feels good, yes. I would love to start out gently, then when we get into a rhythm we could go harder and faster._

_**He can go pretty fast, then?**_

_I'm sure he'd be able to keep up with you. :)_

I'm stroking myself faster now, her words spurring me on. I can't believe I'm getting the best action I've had in a long time over the computer. Why didn't I think of this before? And how much better would it get if we met in person?

I'm so close, imagining Bella riding me hard. Head thrown back, beautiful breasts bouncing, the only sound in the room is our skin slapping together and our mingled grunts of pleasure.

Just a little more …

_**Do you usually cover him up, or is riding bareback ok?**_

Oh, hell. Suddenly I'm there, tensing, cumming all over myself. I moan her name loud and long as my dick pulses in my hand, shooting stream after stream onto my chest and stomach. Finally, my pulse slows and my breathing evens out, and I reopen my eyes (which I didn't even notice had closed) to see she's written something else.

_**Oh shit, sorry Edward, I really have to go now. Hopefully we'll chat again soon?**_

_**I'd really like to meet you, and I'm looking forward to seeing your horse sometime. :)**_

_**Bye!**_

I have to blink a few times before I'm able to process her words. I'm sure I look like an idiot right now, staring at the screen with my mouth gaping open, the remnants of my misunderstanding currently trickling into a sticky puddle on the bed.

Well, shit.

I read back over our conversation, and I guess I kind of get it. I have to laugh when I read my line about no biting, realizing it was totally unclear who or what was going to be doing the biting. I'd say I'm sorry, but I'm really not. Plus, it doesn't seem like she was offended, based on her parting words, and she's now offline so it's not like I can say anything anyway.

And damn if that wasn't the most pleasurable misinterpretation of my life.

I still really want to meet her, especially now that I know this was all a result of innocent questions. If she can get me off by mistake, through words alone, imagine what she could do if she were actually trying.

There's just one little thing I need to take care of first …

**~x~o~x~o~x~o~x~**

"Hey, Jasper, remember when you were telling me about that rodeo fantasy you and Alice worked out a while back, at that ranch a few miles out of town? Did they happen to have any white horses there?"

…

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**A/N: So … I'm wondering, can you guess what Edward's job is? And what username he picked? :)**

**There were a couple of close guesses on his job over on the contest page, but nobody really tried to get the username ... I would love to see some more attempts!**


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